Hey lovely,
Have you ever felt yourself brace, realising your child has woken up in one of “those” moods and it’s going to be another morning of them needling their sibling — as if the rush to school wasn’t stressful enough.
Or they’ve come home from nursery completely overstimulated and you can just sense the meltdown coming. You feel dread because once it does, you know the whole evening will be one long, exhausting battle.
What’s particularly hard about feeling like this is how out of control you feel — like you’re just at the mercy of how they choose to behave.
And then there’s the ever-present pressure to be “the calm parent” in the middle of all this chaos, and when you don’t manage that, you can't help but feel like you’ve failed. Like maybe you just don’t have what it takes to be the kind of parent you want to be…
But what if we’ve got parenting the wrong way around?
My experience of parenting (my ability to truly enjoy it, to feel confident, and more in control) completely changed once I understood this:
It is much easier and more effective to prevent misbehaviour than to deal with it when it’s already happening.
Understanding this helped me to step out of parenting reactively, and into asking myself, “How can I help my child want to cooperate with me? What can I do to give them more capacity to meet the challenging parts of their day?”
My Masters in Positive Psychology (the science of wellbeing and resilience) really helped here.
From that perspective, a child that’s pushing back today will likely be a lot more cooperative tomorrow if they begin their day doing something that makes them feel capable.
And a child that left school overstimulated yesterday might give you a way smoother evening if you build in some time to pause after arriving home.
And the magic of this approach isn’t just that you get to enjoy the best version of your child more often… but that when you do have those moments where everything spirals out of control, you get to hold onto this perspective of, “Now I know how to make tomorrow feel easier.”
In other words, you feel more confident. More in control.
This way of parenting is the foundation of every one of my offerings, from my CalmCrafted parent-and-child classes to my group programme Proud of the Parent You Are to my 1:1 Coaching The Anchoring.
Is your child letting you know today what they need tomorrow, so they might cooperate better and feel calmer? Feel free to reply and pick my brain on this if you like!
In support of you,
Kirsti
Mum of two | Positive Psychologist (MAPPCP) and Motherhood Coach
CalmCrafted at Bath Central Library in November
My much-loved classes for parents and little ones are back. Join us and give your child a head start in managing big feelings, while also giving your
each week for some fun making a sensory toy together. - then learn to use it as a calming tool to reduce power struggles and build self-control with your toddler/ preschooler (under 5) or for your baby's sensory development. And of course, you'll learn some realistic skills to feel calmer and more confident as a parent, too. We'll be crafting, singing, and learning at Bath Central Library, from after October half-term. Book a £2.50 trial class here.
In my world
I was privileged to have been able to take a lot of time off over the summer to be with the kids, and returning to my business has felt both wonderful (to be doing work I love) and very busy (as I get to all the tasks I sidelined alongside my client work). I've found myself arriving at pickup time with a tense energy that then makes it hard to settle into parenting again. The balance between work and parenthood is a constant negotiation, and this week I'm challenging myself to find a more grounded pace. Tending to my wellbeing first, rather than leaving it for last, always makes such a difference: I'm more focused, less easily distracted from what's most important, and more productive that way. In case you need the reminder too, keep in mind that 15 minutes taking a walk, doing yoga, or journalling at the end of the day often feels like recovery, a clawing back from depletion. But at the start? You're replenishing your resources ahead of needing them.
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