Hey lovely,

The bags are packed, the kids are at school, and the house is quiet again. I met the first few days of peace last week with a built-up sense of exhaustion that crashed over me like a wave: the summer holidays were special and fun, but intense, too, with little space to consider myself.

But as September moves forward, and I'm on the other side of the scramble to sort school uniforms, I've begun to pay a little more attention to me again.

Maybe you have, too.

August can lay it all out on the table: reminding you just how much you adore your beautiful children, how much motherhood truly means to you, and how much harder it is than you ever expected.

And come September, you find yourself making resolutions:

I’m going to take better care of myself.

I’m going to speak up about my needs more.

I’m going to try and let go a bit more, trust myself, try harder to be present with the kids.

Something about the change in routine, time away, sweet moments, and chaos-without-a-break that August brings stirs up a desire to rewrite how you’re experiencing motherhood: an intention to find a way forward that feels more sustainable, more enjoyable, more supported, more you.

But let’s be honest, this isn’t the first time you’ve felt motivated to put more effort into your wellbeing.

So why hasn’t it been enough to improve things in any lasting way?

Because the problem isn’t that you haven’t tried hard enough, lovely...

We both know showing up and doing the hard thing is not something you shy away from. It’s more likely that when the pressure rises - when the kids get sick, everything you have to do is piling up, there’s no support or time for you, and it would be inconvenient to factor yourself in - you have an automatic tendency to deprioritise yourself in order to keep the plates spinning. And...

If you had to ask me, a coach and psychologist working from a Positive Psychology lens, that tendency has more to do with your best qualities rather than being a "weakness".

You see, Positive Psychology looks at your actions from a strength-based approach, considering the core values and personality traits that naturally motivate your actions. And sometimes, the very traits that help you thrive in many situations can trip you up in others.

For years, my strength of “fairness” meant that I neglected myself in almost all of my relationships. It was just so natural, so automatic, for me to consider what was fair to everyone else. And no matter how many times I set the intention to pay attention to my own needs or be more boundaried, the minute I felt like doing so was unfair to someone else? I automatically deprioritised myself.

It wasn’t until I reframed my definition of fairness to include myself (realising I had to be fair to myself, and that a truly “fair” family means every member has time to relax and enjoy yourselves, including me) that it started to feel more natural for me to factor myself in.

Understanding my strengths, and how this specific one was actually hindering me, was life-changing. I shifted my motivation to take better care of myself by making it feel "fair", and because that was so in alignment with who I am, my actions naturally shifted.

That’s the difference between an intention you set in September shifting your experience of motherhood in a long-lasting, deep way verses yet another resolution that fell by the wayside.

So lovely, if you find yourself setting a similar intention, I invite you to consider if there’s a core value of yours that might be behind your tendency to neglect your own needs.

Maybe you’re deeply kind, very attuned to other people’s needs, or fair to others at the expense of yourself, like me? Could it be that your best qualities are tripping you up in this area?

If this strengths-based approach appeals to you and you’d love to make change feel easier and longer-lasting, you might be interested to know I am now offering a two-part strengths coaching mini-package: a strength test, analysis and coaching session, and follow-up coaching for £198. Plus a free bonus: a goal-setting audio you can use on repeat to strengthen follow-through for any intention you set in motherhood.

This strengths session is also the foundation of my main programme The Anchoring, for mums who want to get out of survival mode and feel fulfilled in themselves, more confident as a parent, and more supported and seen as a partner - for good.

Simply reply if you’re interested in hearing more about either.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my newsletter. I know how precious your time and headspace is!

In support of you,

Kirsti

Mum of two | Positive Psychologist (MAPPCP) and Motherhood Coach

CalmCrafted is Coming!

My much-loved creative mindfulness classes for parents and little ones are back. At last, there's a class in Bath that is for you as much as for your kids! Each week, you'll spend quality time making a sensory toy together, while learning a simple mindfulness technique you can apply to get a head-start building your children's emotional skills and simultaneously improving your own wellbeing in a realistic way. For babies, you'll use the craft as a sensory toy. For older toddlers and preschoolers (up to 5), it doubles up as a regulation tool. We'll be crafting, singing, and learning at Bath Central Library, from after October half-term. Book a trial class here.

In my world

My eldest has officially started school and it's felt like every bit of the milestone it is. As I've held space for her in this transition, I've been conscious of how much gentleness I also seemed to need. I find uncertainty tough at the best of times, and noticed my mind generating lots of worried stories around this: She's so sensitive - will it be too much for her? Will how this first drop-off goes define the whole term? Will she always be this exhausted afterwards? Will we always have this much pushback in the afternoons? Thankfully, these days I'm able to recognise that newness often brings this sort of thinking up in me, and I can playfully hold space for it. All right, all right, I tell the part of my brain running wild in fear, you know often things go better than you expect. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.​
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