Hey lovely,
I always tell people that it was around 18 months that my children became too cute to handle. The cheeky grins, the playing the fool... I loved it!
But it was also around that time that my least favourite feeling to have in motherhood began to show up more and more often: confusion.
My now-toddler had begun to push back, to ignore my requests, and to do things that were (for lack of a better word) pretty "naughty" - so parenting took on a new dimension around this time.
Suddenly, I had to learn how to manage behaviour, and I was often overwhelmed by my daughter's big reactions and confused as to how to handle them.
When I told her to do something and she laughed in my face, what was I supposed to do? I knew yelling and punishing wasn't "in" anymore, that I was meant to "stay calm", but what if it wasn't "working"?
And then there were the meltdowns. I began to brace for them, trying to avoid upsetting her, because I experienced a similar helplessness. It seemed the advice was to "validate their feelings" but (here's the part that really got me) it not only didn't work, but for my particular child it seemed to make things way, way worse. To this day, if I so much as mention a feeling to either of my melting-down children, I am asking for trouble!
My children just didn't seem to get on with all the parenting methods I was seeing on instagram reels. I felt so deeply confused about it.
Was it me? Was I doing something wrong?
And I know if I'd continued feeling that way, I eventually would've begun to wonder, Is there something wrong with her?
If you're a mum to a sensitive or strong-willed kid like me, you're parenting in a confusing time. You feel this pressure and desire not to yell, to parent with more support and compassion, and yet it might your experience that many of the alternative techniques you're given simply don't work. They might even make things worse.
But I want you to know: it's not your fault, nor is it a sign that your child is broken.
It is a sign that the techniques you've been trying probably aren't a good fit for your particular child.
Sensitive and strong-willed children flourish when they're supported to develop the kind of confidence and motivation that comes from the inside. Because these children feel things so deeply, when they feel anchored in themselves (as opposed to external influences), they're able to handle life's ups and downs a bit more easily.
When I finally closed Instagram and asked myself, as a psychologist, how I believed my sensitive daughters actually needed to be parented, I realised that Positive Psychology was the perfect fit for these kids.
It could help them to develop confidence that wasn't dependent on "getting it right" or "being liked". It was strengths-based, helping them build on their best qualities to improve instead of getting caught up in negativity over what they might be getting wrong.
And this will be a relief for those of you who feel exhausted at the idea of parenting each of your children a different way: while more mainstream approaches probably won't be a fit for your strong-willed child, this Positive Psychology approach can fit any child. You parent the same way regardless of the child, which feels easier.
Here's what I want to invite you to try with your sensitive or strong-willed kid, whether they're seventeen months or seven years, the next time there's a meltdown:
- Drop any mention of feelings and narrate the facts of what's triggered the meltdown instead. For example,
"You're so disappointed I said no playdate." "You really wanted a playdate after school and I said no."
- Then be quiet. Don't try to reason with them
"We had a playdate yesterday! It's almost dinner time!". Some sensitive kids prefer silence, but if you find yourself itching to say something, simply repeat or restate another way. "Mm. You really wish you could have a playdate."
Toddlers and children who feel things deeply often do better with this approach because they really dislike being told how they're feeling (as a sensitive person myself, this really annoys me too!).
This will feel strange at first... and then good. In my experience, narrating what's happening is pretty effective at keeping my body calm.
If you're curious to learn more about my unique Positive Psychology-based parenting approach, my group programme Proud of the Parent You Are may be of interest.
In support of you,
Kirsti
Mum of two | Positive Psychologist (MAPPCP) and Motherhood Coach
CalmCrafted is Coming!
My much-loved creative mindfulness classes for parents and little ones are back. At last, there's a class in Bath that is for you as much as for your kids! Each week, you'll spend quality time making a sensory toy together, while learning a simple mindfulness technique you can apply to get a head-start building your children's emotional skills and simultaneously improving your own wellbeing in a realistic way. For babies, you'll use the craft as a sensory toy. For older toddlers and preschoolers (up to 5), it doubles up as an emotional regulation tool. We'll be crafting, singing, and learning at Bath Central Library, from after October half-term. Book a trial class here.
In my world
I recently got around to reading Michaeleen Doucleff's book Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About Raising Children. As I read, I felt some of the perfectionism I've held around parenting begin slowly unfurling. I've stopped feeling so much pressure to be intentional about quality time with my kids, and started inviting them into my world instead. I've stopped telling myself the story that I can't ask my kids to contribute "too much" around the house, and embraced the idea that they genuinely get something from being part of the team. And it turns out, they do! I've never seen my 2 and 4 year old in a better mood than after they'd taken the recycling out independently, then cooked dinner with only a little oversight. What parenting bliss is this?
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