Hey lovely,

We hear a lot about how we should allow our children's feelings.

The logic behind this is that they'll build a tolerance to difficult feelings over time, so that they’re actually less affected by them in adulthood. In other words, they'll be more emotionally resilient.

But allowing our children’s feelings can be really hard to do in practice, not least because their emotional outbursts can trigger similar feelings in yourself (especially when you're deeply-feeling)…

Their frustration feels hard to tolerate and you get frustrated with them.

Their overwhelm is big and makes you feel overwhelmed.

Or their anxiety can end up triggering your own worries about how things will turn out.

It happens to all of us. And the truth is...

If we want to help our children build resilience, helping them learn to tolerate emotional discomfort is the first step — but it doesn't come simply from validating them as if off a script.

It comes from building our own emotional tolerance first.

When we have that, not only is weathering their emotional storms easier in general, but it becomes natural, even inevitable, that we pass that emotional tolerance onto them.

They get frustrated, you feel your own frustration arise… but you soften it and hold them in it too until they can persevere through.

Their overwhelm makes you feel overwhelmed... but you let it rise and fall and stay steady until they’re out the other side too.

Their anxiety triggers all sorts of worries of your own... but you’re able to hold a sense of perspective and stay present for them.

What a gift that when you build your own emotional resilience first, you’ll naturally be building theirs too, without the exhaustion of feeling like you’re fighting your own tendencies every step of the way.

Start here:

1. Consider something that you find hard not to get frustrated by or anxious about in one of your children. For example, their tendency to give up, their shyness, how easily they get angry.
2. What feelings come up in you in response to this feeling? Is it frustration, anxiety, overwhelm, or something else? (It won't necessarily be the same as their feeling).
3. If you could tolerate this feeling in yourself a bit easier, how might that change your response to your child?
4. How can you plan to support yourself when this feeling arises? Is there something you could say to yourself that would feel grounding?

In support of you,

Kirsti

Mum of two | Coaching Psychologist (MAPPCP)

Join me this weekend

If you’re in Bath, UK, join me this weekend. I'll be offering a small taster of my CalmCrafted creative mindfulness classes at Combe Down Fest this Saturday 13th of June 12-4pm, so come along if you'd like to make a mindfulness "calm down bottle" with your children at my stall and have the opportunity to sign up for July classes at a special rate. Spots are limited.

In my world

My youngest has just turned two, and her birthday had me feeling so reflective. This little deeply-feeling girl has some serious fire in her and has me laughing regularly and also struggling with the intensity of her demands at times. I can’t help but see how much I’ve grown over the last two years, landing now in a place where I feel both stronger and more at peace with myself than ever before. I have no doubt she has lots left to teach me and am both hopeful and also a little nervous to see what it is!