Hey lovely,
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Maybe last year Mother’s Day felt a little… disappointing.

You’ve sacrificed so much for your children, pressed pause on your career while your partner’s continued to progress, and the truth is, it would be nice for that all to be seen. You can’t help but desire a Mother’s Day that feels like it acknowledges the effort you put into your mothering every single day.

That makes sense, and I’m right there with you!

So I wanted to spend this week’s email helping you understand what might motivate your partner to take more initiative when it comes to this Sunday.

When I work with mums on inspiring their partner to support them more fully (which will form part 3 of my upcoming coaching-and-learning programme The Anchoring), we use a thoroughly-researched Positive Psychology framework of human motivation to understand what must typically be in place for your partner to naturally step up more.

I’ll be sharing more about this in a free guide soon — but for the purposes of today’s email (and your well-deserved Mother’s Day celebration), SDT theory tells us this…

Your partner is more likely to take initiative if they feel:

• At least somewhat connected to you
• That their choice will actually succeed in making you happy
• Free to choose or plan without fear of later being criticised

Here’s how you can put this into action ahead of this weekend.

Step 1

First of all, in a quiet moment (perhaps after bedtime — hence why I’m sending this in the evening) take a moment to check in with yourself.

What does a truly lovely Mother’s Day look like to you? As I was pondering this myself, I realised that I would love to go on a bike ride as a family (my tire is currently flat — so this desire will require some extra effort for my partner to make happen!).

What is something you’d like to do? Is it actually some time off from motherhood to go paint pottery alone, a lunch out together, a day off from cooking? Whatever it is, make sure you’ve narrowed it down to what you do want, not what you don’t want.

Step 2

Now that you’ve figured out what you want, I want you to back up a little. You might have gone super specific here — you want to be gifted a new book and it has to be this book specifically, or you know exactly which restaurant you want to go to for lunch.

The thing is, there’s so much care felt when you see your partner make choices for you. That’s the “taking initiative” you’re really craving, and with good reason, because saying, “I want to go to x restaurant on Sunday” feels like they just did it because you asked — but letting them pick the restaurant? Sure, it’s vulnerable; they might pick wrong. But they also went to the effort of thinking it through and choosing for you, and it’ll feel beautiful if it’s a thoughtful choice.

A likes-things-a-certain-way person like myself, I’m tempted to explain exactly where I want to go on a bike ride. But I’m actually going to leave that part out and just respond, “Surprise me. I’m sure I’ll like wherever you take me,” because I know I’ll feel more loved that way.

Also, I was debating between three different routes, and frankly, I don’t need the mental load. It’s freeing to just give it up.

Step 3

Now it’s time to take the courageous step of actually putting what you want out there.

And I call it courageous because it really is! In a way, it feels more scary to say what we want than to just say nothing.

But this leap is worth it, I promise.

Choose a moment where you’re feeling reasonably connected. Maybe you’ve just been laughing about your toddler’s latest hilarious comment together, you’ve just watched an episode of your favourite show, or you’re just getting into bed and chatting (if you’re lucky enough to be sleeping without kids!).

“Oh, it’s Mother’s Day on Sunday. I’d love to go for a farm-style lunch / have the day off from cooking / have a couple hours to myself before we go to your family.”

And leave it at that.

Here’s how we’ve applied SDT theory and why this tends to work wonderfully:

✔️ You’re mentioning it in a connected moment

✔️ By giving them some idea of what you want, they feel confident they can make you happy

✔️ There’s still some freedom of choice, so they get to own the decision and you get to feel pursued because they had to plan it

… which you so deserve.

If you liked this email, please let me know. I don’t really see anyone on social media talking about partnership from the motivation-based approach I take — and for some reason, that makes it feel quite scary for me to do so! I’d love to know if this was helpful and if you’d like more or not.

Wishing you a wonderful Mother’s Day. You’re amazing. Truly.
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In support of you,

Kirsti

Mum of two | Coaching Psychologist (MAPPCP)

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Can you help?

I’m still looking to speak to a couple more mums about their experience in motherhood, in order to shape my upcoming programme The Anchoring / Proud of the Parent You Are. If you feel like you’re losing yourself in being everything to everybody else, wanting to parent peacefully but feeling like your overwhelm gets in the way of that, and wondering how your previously-fair relationship has ended up with you shouldering majority of the load, you’re exactly who I’d like to talk to. A free standalone 45-minute coaching session is my offer in return.

In my world

I wrote the main part of this email a few days ago, and now I’m writing this section just before I sent it, because I thought it might be useful to give you a little update on my hoped-for bike ride. Over lunch yesterday I mentioned to my partner that I’d like to go cycling as a family for Mother’s Day and added (since it suddenly occurred to me how much I also love exploring) that I’d especially enjoy arriving at some small town we haven’t been before. We didn’t say anything more about it, but later in the day I discovered he had already arranged for my flat tire to be fixed by a local bike repair service, since he wouldn’t have time to get to it himself. I’m already feeling the Mother’s Day love behind the effort that required zero mental load from me, and looking forward to Sunday. If you end up with a similar “win”, please do let me know! You deserve more initiative, and I believe it’s possible for you.