Hey lovely,
I have certain “guidelines” I set for myself in motherhood that protect my own happiness alongside my children's.
One is that my kid’s enjoyment shouldn’t cost my own happiness.
I’ll agree to do things my kids adore that I sort of enjoy, but I won’t agree to do something that I actively have to tolerate or will feel drained by. (And of course I won’t expect that of any other member of the family.)
There are all sorts of ways I’ll work this into the day-to-day act of mothering.
For example, I know that come September, I’ll find it stressful rushing my eldest to extracurriculars after school with her two year old sister in tow — so I invited her to drop the activity she liked the least to reduce the overwhelm I sometimes feel in the afternoons post pick-up.
I’ll agree to go to softplay, but only a specific, smaller one where I know I can sit and enjoy a coffee without being totally overstimulated by the chaos and panicking that I couldn’t find my children.
And most of the time, I either decide how we’ll spend our free days together ahead of time, or offer set choices based on what I have capacity for that day.
Trust me my kids aren’t missing out by going to that farmyard that also happens to have a beautiful view, running around a peaceful forest looking for fairy houses — or having a mum that feels so filled up she has the spaciousness to make up a song about the fact that the weather is sunny.
Who ever said that being a good mum meant always thinking about what everyone else wants, without a second thought to whether we’re agreeing to do something that we’ll have to grit our teeth through?
Sometimes finding more spaciousness in motherhood begins with a check-in so simple but somehow so easily forgotten amidst the chaos: What do I have capacity for today? What do *I* want to do?
I promise you that even more than that big day out, your kids want a mum that’s feeling fantastic.
I encourage you to ask yourself those questions as you sip your morning coffee this week.
Then — given that the school holidays are fast approaching (or already here for some), ask yourself again in reference to the summer. What do you have capacity for this summer? What would feel enjoyable to you?
And if you need help figuring out what a summer that would feel restorative for you, as well as fun and connected for your kids, a reminder that I’d love to see you at CalmCrafted: The Smoother Summer Meetup under the trees in Henrietta Park, Bath. Booking with a friend gets you 10% off!
In support of you,
Kirsti
Mum of two | Coaching Psychologist (MAPPCP)
Workshop on Saturday 18th of July in Bath
Do you have the kids around more this summer? Whether you're going away together, spending time together at home, or juggling work and childcare - let’s give you summer that is more making memories, and less making threats. Join us for the special summer event of CalmCrafted and get creative together and learn simple tools to make summer more connected, fun and calm. Think fewer power struggles from your kids, and more patience for you. Click here to sign up for a morning of crafting, and leave feeling lighter, knowing summer will be both memorable and manageable. Early bird pricing closes soon! Sign up here.
In my world
My mum has spent the last week with us, and yesterday we spent a wonderful day wandering the Newt kid-free. We both love a deep conversation, and something that kept coming up for us as we chatted is how as women we need to be tenacious about our own happiness, deeply believing that we deserve to do things that we enjoy or our responsibilities will end up eclipsing all of our time. It's something my mum reflected was very hard for her as a new mum when taking a moment for herself was always inconvenient. I know I definitely relate. How are you doing with believing your happiness matters? When you're able to own that deeply, factoring yourself in is more natural.
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